i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
