I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
