he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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