I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
