Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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