he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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