I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
