i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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