Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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