Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
