As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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