pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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