I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
there is glitter all over my balls
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
