and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
