ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
