I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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