dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
