Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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