I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
