Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
