My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
