I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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