I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
