i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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