I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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