probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had to cum in my sink.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
