had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
