He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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