Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
