Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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