I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
