I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
