haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
