youre lurking in front of me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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