Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
