He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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