I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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