census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
