The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
