My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
