Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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