Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
