Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
