We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
