I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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