i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
