I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
