I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
