My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
