pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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