This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
